Exta Exta: Dark Lord Captured, living in a hole
by houdinishideaway
Summary: The Order of the Phoenix captures Lord Voldy and find him hiding out in a hole in the ground. Obviously this is a parody of recent news events. Lots of sick twisted Harry Potter humor, written like a newspaper article. very funny, very weird.


Extra Extra:  
You-Know-Who Captured Alive, Found Living in a Hole  
Monday, December 15, 2003, Hogsmeade, England  
  
By Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet Reporter, and special guest reporter, Amanda J.  
  
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In a shocking and thrilling announcement, Minster of Magic, Cornelius Fudge has reported to an overjoyed wizzarding community that the Dark Lord is now in the custody of the Ministry of Magic.  
  
You-Know-Who was found by an anti-Death Eater organization known as The Order of the Phoenix. In a most astonishing twist, You-Know-Who was found to be living in an underground hole near the Muggle home of his dead father and grandparents. (whom he murdered) You-Know-Who was alone, and wandless. He surrendered without a single curse attempted.  
  
Albus Dumbledore, head and founder of the Phoenix described his hole "as coffin sized. It was very small without even enough room for him to barely move, much less contact his Death Eaters. It was extremely primitive with a metal pipe sticking out of the ground for air."  
  
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had no nearby cauldrons, wands, or potions. Some gaellons were found and Phoenix member Arthur Weasley said that the hole "was full of about a billion crumbled up Chocolate Frog wrappers."  
  
"It was very strange that the most evil wizard of all time would be found hiding out in a hole in the ground," said Nymphorea Tonks. "As powerful as he was, you would think that he would design a more comfortable hideaway. I think he was in the process of decorating when we captured him. We found a book called Trading Spaces: Behind the Scenes, several lace doilies, and an a official Harry Potter Chia Pet, complete with realistic looking scar."  
  
After the Dark Lord was taken away to a secure undisclosed location, Fudge took a moment to climb down and investigate the Dark Lord's hideaway. He told this reporter that it was "a bloody horrible place to be. Quite disturbing. The walls of the hole had been covered with posters of some Muggle singer named Brittany Spears. It makes me shudder just to think about it."  
  
Video was shown on wizzarding televisions stations all over the world of Ministry doctors examining You-Know-Who and checking to see if he had any head lice or fleas crawling in his robes. Dumbledore said that the Dark Lord had terrible B.O. and had Ministry doctors put deodorant on him and poured about half a bottle of Jennifer Lopez perfume on him because Dumbledore said it "made him smell pretty. " A DNA test has already came back proving that it was him, and Ministry officials found that he had all the scars, birthmarks, and tattoos that former Deatheaters Severus Snape told the Ministry about including the Dark Mark and a Spongebob Squarepants tattoo on his left buttock.  
  
Former Death Eater and now sorta good guy, Severus Snape has been a major help for Phoenix members in capturing the Dark Lord. When asked why he left the Death Eaters, Snape told this reporter that "the Dark Lord had gone insane. He was doing things that I just couldn't agree with. He wanted all of us to call him Lord V-Diddy and he wanted to start an evil Death Eater Bowling team. Because of this, I knew that I had to leave the Deatheaters."  
  
The capture of You-Know-Who will definitely help young Harry Potter and his family rest easier at night.  
  
"Oh, yes, we are very happy that Lord Voldething has been captured. We were really worried for the safety of our beloved nephew, Harry," said Vernon Dursley, uncle of The-Boy-Who-Lived.  
  
Retired Auror and Phoenix member, Mad Eye Moody said that You-Know- Who's hideaway was discovered because of a tip from Hogwarts fifth year student, Luna Lovegood.  
  
"The girl told me that while she was out looking for Crumble Horned Snorkacks she began to feel very strange, as if something was watching her, and a great evil was nearby. Then she heard some odd noises underground and smelled some very odd odors. Then she ran across a Crumble Horned Snorkacks and it told her that You-Know-Who was hiding in a hole underneath their feet. At first she didn't believe him; after all, Crumble Horned Snorkacks do have a reputation for drinking too much Butterbeer and seeing things that don't really exist. But then as she was walking around she saw several large wooden signs saying THIS WAY TO LORD VOLDEMORTS' SECRECT UNDERGROUND HIDEAWAY and then immediately sent at Owl to Dumbledore." said Mad Eye Moody.  
  
Reports from the Ministry state that You-Know-Who has tried to justify his actions and has told them that "he's really not such a bad guy, he is just misunderstood." You-Know-Who also stated that he should not be held responsible for the countless murders and says that it's not his fault because "his daddy never loved him and never hugged him as a child, and he didn't buy that Oscar Meyer Weenie Whistle that he wanted for Christmas".  
  
When asked why he went to such extreme measures to hide himself, LV said that he had been very fearful for his life since Book 5 was released in June 2003 and that for the last several months he has been threatened by countless screaming and extremely violent Sirus Black fan girls. Ministry officials are hoping that he will inform them of any future Deatheaters plots by threatening him with the most cruel torture they could think of; sharing a room with Gilderoy Lockheart. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
